Self-Confidence Isn’t What You Think It Is

It isn’t confidence in yourself; it is freedom from excessive concern with yourself.

So what is self-confidence? I assure you, it isn’t the false rah-rah kind that comes when everything is going your way, when you’re succeeding and feeling good about yourself. It’s a quieter confidence that comes from having a purpose in life.

By purpose, I don’t mean having a five-year plan, a list of goals, or something you want to achieve in the world. I mean having a higher purpose, a noble ideal to strive towards — and dedicating your thoughts, emotions and actions to achieving it.

The beauty of an ideal or purpose is that it gives you a direction in life.

“If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favourable.” — Seneca

There is an extraordinary confidence that comes with knowing what you’re doing and where you are heading.

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Self-Consciousness Undermines Self-Confidence

Most people struggle with confidence because they are unconsciously thinking about themselves.

How do I look?
What do they think of me?
Am I good enough?
Did I say the right thing?
What if I fail?
What if they don’t like me?

This is called self-consciousness.

Self-consciousness refers to this small self. It is another expression of the ego. Your attention is constantly directed towards this body, this personality, this mind, and this image you have of yourself. But the irony is that the more you focus on yourself, the less confident you become.

Why? Because the ego is inherently insecure. It is constantly measuring itself against something else. Am I attractive enough? Successful enough? Intelligent enough? Interesting enough? Spiritual enough? There’s no end to it.

True confidence comes from a higher purpose.

Give yourself a higher purpose, and suddenly you stop obsessing about yourself and start thinking about what you can contribute.

Honestly, the simplest version of a higher goal or purpose is this:

Become the best human being you can possibly be.

That is an ideal anyone can aspire towards.

What would it mean to become a better human being?

To be less selfish.
To think of others before yourself.
To become more patient, more generous, more compassionate and more truthful.
To stop making everything about “me” and start seeing the bigger picture.

And if you want to take that ideal further, you can ask a much bigger question:

Who am I, really?

That is where spirituality begins for me.

My ultimate purpose is Self-realisation — to realise my essential nature.

I know, intellectually, what Vedanta says: that “I am pure consciousness.” But knowing something intellectually and realising it completely are not the same thing.

It is one thing to understand non-duality. It is another thing to embody it completely.

So this has become the purpose around which I organise my life. Everything I do is dedicated to that. Whether it’s studying, writing, teaching, or even washing the dishes and cleaning the floor.

Having a higher purpose changes everything.

This is what gives life coherence. When you have a higher ideal in the back of your mind, ordinary actions take on a different significance.

You aren’t just washing the dishes. You’re being present.
You aren’t dealing with a difficult person. You’re practising patience and detachment.
You aren’t simply growing older. You’re growing into wisdom.

Be true to yourself.

Shakespeare put it beautifully: “To thine own self be true.” And he goes on to say that if you are true to yourself, you cannot be false to anyone else.

When you know what you stand for, you don’t have to perform. You don’t have to impress. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t need anyone’s approval. You can simply be yourself.

And paradoxically, that is where genuine self-confidence comes from. Not from thinking more about yourself, but from thinking of yourself less.

So perhaps we have misunderstood self-confidence. What do you think? I’d love to read your thoughts.

It’s evening in Australia, so I’ll get back to you in the morning.

Till next time,
Be Well, 
Meredith ∞ The Elder Sage